Cimeara (cimeara) wrote in heart_on,
Cimeara
cimeara
heart_on

for critique

I don't know.  I think it's too disjoint.  Is there anything worth saving?  Some of the references seem obscure to me, I want to explain them further, but then I've been told I shouldn't spell things out in detail because that talks down to the reader, it's dull and boring.   A few perfect words should be enough, of course, but I know I'm not perfect.

Emptiness

"Fall," you said, "and I’ll catch you."
And I did, and you did,
And I cradled in your hammock,
Laughing, warmed in sunlight,
And flipped off the idea of SPFs.
We sipped salt-rimmed margaritas
And I didn’t care about the holes.

But your safety net’s worn thin,
Down to monofilament wire.
When I fall now, you cut me,
And if I fell too far I think
I’d end in pieces and I’d need
To stick them together with
Brass fasteners, paper doll.

I crawl out slow to test what’s left
And you call me a spider
Trying to entrap you, but it’s only
Enticement. The dew is salty.
I’m crusted with it.  Come,
Stick in a straw and suck me dry
And the husk can blow away. 
  
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