cuponoodlepower (cuponoodlepower) wrote in heart_on,
cuponoodlepower
cuponoodlepower
heart_on

untitled

Yellow and orange streaks
Bouncing off the car window
I fortify my head with the glass
the hot tub was
definitely too hot.

My veins
pulse with blood
moving too quickly
flooding my limbs,
swelling them
rushing into my temples,
Making them throb.

The glass is cool, and I can hear
the wind outside.
Pushing to get inside
it almost sounds like the door
is partly open.
The small window behind my head
wobbles with the force of air
I worry the door will fall open
I will go sprawling into the
Asphalt under me.

Every turn, makes the door
shake a little more
every time, my weight is
pushed against the padded arm rest.
The wind gets a little stronger.
Deep breath in and let it out again.
slowly.

The lights wear halos,
like tall angels watching over,
all the cars speeding
down the Street.

My eyes are still burning
and my head
is still swimming
in the too hot
Hot tub
but the angel street lamps
are watching
and so I stop worrying.
The door won’t fly open tonight.
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Ditto on the verbs. This feels somewhat stagnant, but I feel like it has potential to "move around" a lot more, so to speak.

I don't mind the locale changes - I actually like them.

I would also work on your spacing and line breaks. Part of me thinks this would be better if it weren't as choppy and had more of a smooth flow.

Cool choice of subject :)
try to come back to it in a couple weeks and trim it. a little careful trimming, not overboard. other than that it feels like a nice accurate piece of suburban summer. (although spose there's no reason this couldn't be set in the country or city)

and speaking as a sucker for temperature descriptions, especially when there are shifts, this was sweet to read.
Alright, I am a veteran of poetry workshops and not used to making critique online. I'm going to try my best, but my apologies in advance if my critique comes off as confusing or poorly formed. I think I'm going to try going stanza by stanza:

First stanza - "the hot tub was/ definitely too hot" is where the poem starts for me. Describing colors on a car window isn't very fresh and thus I don't get pulled into the poem until those last two lines.

I would cut the second stanza. It could be said in a couple lines or a couple words.

Third stanza - this is where your grammar starts to be problematic. Use line breaks and spacing to create the breath, instead of commas and periods. Also, I know it gets said all the time, but show, don't tell. I'm especially referring to the lines, "I worry the door will fall open/ I will go sprawling into the/ Asphalt under me." What would that feel like?

Fourth stanza - grammar!

Fifth stanza - we all know that angels have halos. The second you put "halo" in, the reader is thinking of angels. Tell us something that we wouldn't expect. What do you think angels are? Is there some unique quality that you, personally, attribute to angels that other people probably don't? I want to see that here.

Last stanza - this is a poem, not an essay. But this last stanza is a conclusion like that which you would see at the end of an essay; you summarize what came before and leave us with a final point. Most people feel the need to wrap up the end of a poem in a bow. Resist that urge! This stanza has no purpose as it says nothing new.

Please please please feel free to comment back - as I said in the start, I'm new at this forum for critique and I'm having difficulty expressing myself. Your critique on my critique is very welcome!
as far as I know you did quite well I'm new to this group but have been on another well known site for quite some time and by the standards there this is very well done. Your feedback helped alot, thanks for the stanza by stanza, I know that takes a lot of time. Thank you for your time. :)
A/N: I'm not sure about the verbs, however here is a rewrite trimming down and including as many of the wonderfful suggestions given here as I could figure out how to work in and not lose what I was trying to convey hopefully it will make my thoughts here clearer for the reader. About the grammar This is an area I have some problems with so if you could be more specific that would be great for me. I love sentance fragments and I never know if I've used them so if that's the case please let me know. :)

Edit 1

The hot tub was definitely too hot.

My veins pulse with blood
flooding my limbs, swelling them
rushing into my temples,


The glass is cool, the wind outside.
Pushes inside, sounds like the door
is partly open.
The small window behind my head
wobbles with the force of air

Every turn, makes the door
shake a little more, every time,
my weight is pushed against the padded arm rest.
Deep breath in
let it out again.
slowly.

The lights wear halos, watching over,
cars speeding down the Street.

The door won’t fly open tonight.
I would lose "definitely" or rephrase it? it's too weak, it brings it down to teen-speak. "man that hot tub was -definitely- too hot".

Between "swelling them" and "rushing into my temples" you'd need some sort of punctuation? The "blood" might be "flooding" but "them" rarely are "rushing". (since you are using other punctuation)

I might break the next stanza differently:

The glass is cool,
The wind outside
Rushes inside, sounds like
The door is partly open.


And then continuing, but yours, not mine. Similarly, I'd probably (over-)emphasize the repetition...

Every turn makes the door shake more,
Every time, my weight is pushed...


And why a comma after "over"? they watch "over cars", yes? "Street" shouldn't be capitalized.

Really, I can't figure out what hot tubs have to do with her being in a car. The first version was long enough that I accepted it, but the shorter version makes it more confusing. Maybe one line of transition?

Overall...
I love it. Very, very nice imagery, especially the ending. ^_^

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I'm not completely sure I understand.

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