Bouncing off the car window
I fortify my head with the glass
the hot tub was
definitely too hot.
My veins
pulse with blood
moving too quickly
flooding my limbs,
swelling them
rushing into my temples,
Making them throb.
The glass is cool, and I can hear
the wind outside.
Pushing to get inside
it almost sounds like the door
is partly open.
The small window behind my head
wobbles with the force of air
I worry the door will fall open
I will go sprawling into the
Asphalt under me.
Every turn, makes the door
shake a little more
every time, my weight is
pushed against the padded arm rest.
The wind gets a little stronger.
Deep breath in and let it out again.
slowly.
The lights wear halos,
like tall angels watching over,
all the cars speeding
down the Street.
My eyes are still burning
and my head
is still swimming
in the too hot
Hot tub
but the angel street lamps
are watching
and so I stop worrying.
The door won’t fly open tonight.
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August 2 2008, 20:00:34 UTC 9 years ago
I don't mind the locale changes - I actually like them.
I would also work on your spacing and line breaks. Part of me thinks this would be better if it weren't as choppy and had more of a smooth flow.
Cool choice of subject :)
August 2 2008, 18:16:25 UTC 9 years ago
and speaking as a sucker for temperature descriptions, especially when there are shifts, this was sweet to read.
August 4 2008, 20:53:15 UTC 9 years ago
First stanza - "the hot tub was/ definitely too hot" is where the poem starts for me. Describing colors on a car window isn't very fresh and thus I don't get pulled into the poem until those last two lines.
I would cut the second stanza. It could be said in a couple lines or a couple words.
Third stanza - this is where your grammar starts to be problematic. Use line breaks and spacing to create the breath, instead of commas and periods. Also, I know it gets said all the time, but show, don't tell. I'm especially referring to the lines, "I worry the door will fall open/ I will go sprawling into the/ Asphalt under me." What would that feel like?
Fourth stanza - grammar!
Fifth stanza - we all know that angels have halos. The second you put "halo" in, the reader is thinking of angels. Tell us something that we wouldn't expect. What do you think angels are? Is there some unique quality that you, personally, attribute to angels that other people probably don't? I want to see that here.
Last stanza - this is a poem, not an essay. But this last stanza is a conclusion like that which you would see at the end of an essay; you summarize what came before and leave us with a final point. Most people feel the need to wrap up the end of a poem in a bow. Resist that urge! This stanza has no purpose as it says nothing new.
Please please please feel free to comment back - as I said in the start, I'm new at this forum for critique and I'm having difficulty expressing myself. Your critique on my critique is very welcome!
August 5 2008, 01:06:58 UTC 9 years ago
August 5 2008, 01:05:19 UTC 9 years ago
Edit 1
The hot tub was definitely too hot.
My veins pulse with blood
flooding my limbs, swelling them
rushing into my temples,
The glass is cool, the wind outside.
Pushes inside, sounds like the door
is partly open.
The small window behind my head
wobbles with the force of air
Every turn, makes the door
shake a little more, every time,
my weight is pushed against the padded arm rest.
Deep breath in
let it out again.
slowly.
The lights wear halos, watching over,
cars speeding down the Street.
The door won’t fly open tonight.
August 5 2008, 02:40:37 UTC 9 years ago
Between "swelling them" and "rushing into my temples" you'd need some sort of punctuation? The "blood" might be "flooding" but "them" rarely are "rushing". (since you are using other punctuation)
I might break the next stanza differently:
The glass is cool,
The wind outside
Rushes inside, sounds like
The door is partly open.
And then continuing, but yours, not mine. Similarly, I'd probably (over-)emphasize the repetition...
Every turn makes the door shake more,
Every time, my weight is pushed...
And why a comma after "over"? they watch "over cars", yes? "Street" shouldn't be capitalized.
Really, I can't figure out what hot tubs have to do with her being in a car. The first version was long enough that I accepted it, but the shorter version makes it more confusing. Maybe one line of transition?
Overall...
I love it. Very, very nice imagery, especially the ending. ^_^
Deleted comment
August 6 2008, 18:33:08 UTC 9 years ago